Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
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him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
My brain is a bad influence on me
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums