Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
You Might Also Like
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
When I laugh on my period
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?