Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
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Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
Found my door mat
inventing words: clothing
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
😂😂
Stop being racist to kettles.
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.