Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
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“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.