Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
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If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
tell em, edith-anne
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”