me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
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LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
me and who
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.