Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
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me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
crochet youtube is brutal
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.