Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
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Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed