Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
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Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>