If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
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Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
Every house has this drawer
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
Rambo Rambow
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.