Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
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Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
As the Lord intended
They’re not wrong
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.