Just me?
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My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.