*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
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Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
my friends when i can’t do basic math
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.