pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
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Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
dam girl
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*