visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
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Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
hear me out : pockets for your socks
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin