Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
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That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?