I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
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Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.