the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
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If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
Education is vital
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
pls suprot
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭