Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
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5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.