Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
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If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
If you want my opinion ask my wife
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”