I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
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*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
can you read it!!??
maan!
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall