When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
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I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human