[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
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DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.