I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
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My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
jesus christ confetti not now
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet