PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
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Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.