The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
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Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
Wise advice
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having