It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
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To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
*3.5 thank you very much.
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30