Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
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Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.