I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
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Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
termite twitter scares me
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?