If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
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Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.