[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
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Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
My dryer is celebrating lint.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.