*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
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FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
This is the coolest video you will see today.
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story