*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
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“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese