Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
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i wish all
whales
a very
big
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby