You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
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A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
meanwhile over on facebook
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
HR: Please don’t begin all your letters with “Dearest….”
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…