MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
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“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.