James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
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*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
i think my razor is having a panic attack
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?