The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
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one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
Think I pulled my liver
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building