My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
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oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
much to think about
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.