Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
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[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
marvel comics have peaked
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.