No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
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Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
Children of the corn 🌽
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby