Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
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HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
I’m about to risk it all
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
Sounds like a bargain
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
rise and shine we got egg
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to