I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
You Might Also Like
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”