If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
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Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
this post was so formative to me
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula