Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
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My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
just having fun
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.