One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
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My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
This checks out
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
Holy moly