sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
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Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes