[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
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SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
Saving my good tweets for marriage
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.