I really would love to see two mimes arguing
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I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
[on my way back to the posting caves]
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.