I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
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Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
I have written yet another poem about laundry
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!